All the World's a Stage
"All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players. They have their exits and their entrances; And one man in his time plays many parts."
-----William Shakespeare
There's a little Shakespeare to interrupt your Old-English free weekend. You're welcome.
Now, I'm not an English major, but I've read enough of the required classics to know that Shakespearean logic should not always be taken as fact. However, I think he might be onto something with this one. This quote, spoken by Shakespeare's character Jacques in the play, "As You Like It", lays out someone's entire journey from birth to death in metaphorical simplicity:
Life is simply the interaction of roles, and although we all pass through the same phases of life, we all react to them differently.
That may seem like an oversimplification, and maybe it is, but it's one that correlates strongly with several family theories. There's two in particular that I'd like to talk about.
"...They all have their exits and their entrances..."
One of those theories that I have been learning about this week is symbolic interaction. This is the idea that different people will interpret the same situation and the same actions as holding different meaning and significance. That in turn influences the way they interact with others, just as characters in the same scene have different lines and cues.
How do you react to a period at the end of a text for example? How about someone offering to pay for you at a restaurant? Based on how we grew up and our individual personalities, these actions can hold vastly different meaning. As we understand loved ones' intentions, their behavior takes on new meaning.
I've been a fairly small person all my life. In fourth grade I was about six inches shorter than the next shortest girl in my grade. That being said, quite often I would find myself in situations where I felt a jarring lack of control. I started to really resent anything that I felt limited my choices, especially anything that was physically restricting. Once, in high-school, a boy picked me up and threw me over his shoulder.
He was laughing. I was livid.
What he meant to be an innocent joke I saw as him taking away my ability to control what happened to me. Although it seems like an insignificant thing, it took me awhile to trust him again. Our difference in perception of the same event illustrates this concept of symbolic interaction theory.
Taking a minute to clarify intended meaning can really benefit interpersonal relationships. Before jumping to conclusions it can help to ask yourself, and even the other person, what they meant by it.
Is this guy being misogynistic or does he value/show love by wanting to protect and provide?
Is she being mean or is she trying to be funny?
Is he distant because he's upset with me or because he's stressed about an upcoming test?
This isn't to say we should convince ourselves to discount things that genuinely upset us. Some people are actually just jerks, and there isn't any deeper meaning behind their hurtful actions. However, as someone who tends to jump to conclusions rather quickly, remembering the idea of symbolic interaction helps me better understand and love those who matter most to me. It helps me see the world through their lens.
"One man in his life plays many roles"
The idea of role creation and fulfillment is a major component of what is known as the family systems theory. This theory suggests that the family unit is much like a clock or car. It is made up of many complex, interacting parts that all must work together to keep the family running. Often, this is accomplished by assigning and fulfilling familial roles.
Though I am in my own apartment with my husband now, I spent the last school semester living at home. I was SHOCKED at how quickly I fell back into old childhood patterns! I had lived on my own across the country for a year and a half, and yet here I was once again asking my mom to schedule doctor's appointments for me.
Not only did I fall back into old habits, but I noticed that my relationship with my siblings was different than when I had lived away. I found that I was picking up my role of peacemaker and ringleader without need or want. My brothers quickly got tired of my "mothering" and I quickly got tired of trying to shove the new person I had become into the old role mold I had left behind.
My experience is not unique. I'm sure if you think about your own family, you can pinpoint certain people who fill certain roles. Sometimes these roles are self assigned when one family member sees a need or opportunity, and sometimes they are given to us.
In my family, I was labeled "the good one". My little brother was "the funny one", and my older brother was often "the rebellious one". These assigned roles are what made it possible for my family to function normally.
But normal isn't always good.
It wasn't until I left home and started interacting with lots of different people that I realized my obsessive need to avoid conflict and fulfill my role as peacemaker, was actually damaging my ability to have healthy relationships. While family systems theory states that playing your assigned role is vital to maintaining the family system you're a part of, good or bad, it also acknowledges that sometimes those roles need to change in order to achieve a healthy family system.
Being aware of what roles you have a tendency to fall into can help you change for the better. I know that because of how I grew up, I tend to shrink from conflict and prioritize momentary peace for long-term stability.
Because I know this, I try to make a conscious effort to confront problems and talk about them rather than sweeping them under the rug. I'm still pretty bad at it, but understanding the family systems theory has made me take a look at the past and decide what I want to change in the future.
As part of this systems theory, a therapist named Salvador Menuchan stated that based on his research, families are most stable when the relationship between the father and the mother is prioritized. I want to give my future children the best, most stable home I can provide, which means now is the time to really strengthen my relationship with my husband. Knowing these different family theories can shed some light on how to start. I can start by:
- Not assuming the intention behind his actions
- Seeking to understand how his background impacts the way he acts
- Taking a look at myself and recognizing some behaviors and habits that may be getting in the way of a better marriage
- Trying to be unified in our roles as husband and wife, and eventually, father and mother
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