All the World's a Stage

    "Traditioooooooooon. Tradition!"

    This line from the musical "Fiddler on the Roof" was often quoted in my house. I have a younger brother who takes upon himself the role of "tradition enforcer" every holiday season, ruling the yuletide celebrations with an iron fist. The Christmas tree had to go up the day after thanksgiving...why? 

   

 "Because it's tradition!" he would reply. 

    We were even cajoled to make hard cookies in the shape of candy canes every single year, simply because we always had. 

    I wonder how my brother, who fulfilled his role so dutifully, would react if I told him none of the things he loved so much about the holidays were actually "tradition". 

    In actuality, traditions go much deeper than when and how you put up your Christmas tree.

    Traditions are inherited patterns of belief or behavior that are passed down from generation to generation. These ways of thinking provide much of what contributes to each family's family culture, and are largely responsible for how we see and interact with the world. Some help contribute to a healthy family dynamic, while some create a vicious generational cycle. Whether good or bad, understanding what traditions and cultures exist in our current families can help us be intentional about the culture we perpetuate in our future families.

   

     The first way that we can be intentional about our family culture is to understand what traditions you may have inherited from your childhood environment that you want to change.

    

    For example, some research suggests that over half of people who were abused as children experience domestic abuse later in life (Office for National Statistics). This is an example of a familial culture that can lead to a dangerous sinkhole of unstable family environments. A young woman who was abused by her father will often find herself drawn into an abusive marriage herself. Her children after her will face similar pulls, since their family culture and traditions are colored with designated roles of victim and abuser.     

    

    However, can you imagine the change that could take place if someone along that family line recognizes and rejects their inherited culture of abuse? Understanding that their family culture created a tradition that makes them more likely to choose an abusive relationship themselves would serve to make that individual more aware and intentional with their choice of partner. Rejecting that culture would help commit them to not creating an environment of abuse in their future family.

   

     Most of us do not have such extreme examples of family culture we don't want to pass down. However, there are still some aspects of our family culture I'm sure we'd like to change in our future families. 

    

    Maybe you grew up in a home that valued optics and materialism more than quality time together. Or perhaps you were allowed little freedom as a teenager, and would like to be less strict as a parent yourself. 

    

    Through no fault of my parents, I grew up in a home where one sibling's emotional instability demanded stability from everyone else. 

    

    As I mentioned last week in my post about family roles, I assigned myself to be the peacemaker and over all "good kid" of the house. That self-imposed role created a bad habit of squashing down every negative emotion I felt. Turns out this "cork under pressure" method of coping is a sprint option only...long term it can create a lot of complex issues. Knowing this motivates me to create a culture of open dialogue in my relationship with my husband, as well as our future children. 

    

    That being said, growing up the way I did created some really beautiful traditions of belief and behavior that I wouldn't give up for anything. Recognizing the parts of our family culture that we want to perpetuate is equally important in intentionally creating a healthy family environment. 

    

    In my house, having that extra stress made us more sensitive to the needs of others, especially family members. Looking back I see that that created a culture of service and closeness in my home. We did everything together, because we needed each other for support. In turn, we showed our appreciation for that closeness with little acts of service...bringing mom breakfast in bed, doing the dishes without being asked, or writing a nice note to name a few. I don't want to lose that pattern of familial support and service in my future home. 

    

    Even if you didn't have good examples in your family, there are some good rules of thumb when it comes to creating an effectively positive family culture:

1. Families function best when there are clear boundaries set. This doesn't just mean rules for conduct, though those are important too. It means that there are established boundaries in relationships. In the ideal family structure, the relationship between husband and wife would be closer than the relationship with individual children. Parents would work marital problems out with each other, rather than turning to a child for comfort and council. While children may be invited into the circle for certain things, having these relationship boundaries helps kids feel that it's okay to just be kids and keeps the family foundation (husband and wife) strong. Creating this kind of family takes intentional discussion between spouses about what things they will and will not involve their children in.
2. Creating an environment in which people feel safe to be open about emotions and feelings improve family bonds. Try your best to express love as often as you can.
3. Decide what balance of career and family you want. While there is nothing wrong with wanting to earn enough for your family to be comfortable, there comes a point when income and career becomes a wedge between husbands and wives, as well as children. There must be a balance...and if you have to pick one to focus on more, families thrive on a culture of parental involvement. Just FYI.

     You may have noticed some random bolding throughout this post...that was intentional. 

    

    You can laugh. That was funny.

    Being intentional about our thoughts and actions in our families is the best way we can improve family culture and create positive traditions. No matter what your background or life experiences, your family unit will only grow stronger as you think about and enact positive change in your home.

Let's get to it!