Creating a Cornerstone: pt 2

     Creating a Cornerstone: pt 2

        Last week I wrote a little about some modern twists on dating that have infiltrated our society, and how they can have lasting effects on the health and longevity of a marriage. Some key takeaways from that last blog post that I want to carry over to this weeks' are that:

1. The level of intimacy, both physical and emotional, must never be more than our established level of commitment.
2. Dating should be intentional.
3. Dating should be an opportunity to learn all you can about a person before making a commitment to them, rather than a casual way to eat up some time.

         These three points are directly linked to a concept called the Relationship Attachment Model, or RAM. This model visually represents what we have been talking about with being intentional, and building relationships in the healthiest way. The RAM consists of five "pillars" that lead to attachment to other people, and looks like this:

        When getting to know someone, especially romantically, this model suggests that everything should be done in descending order. You should never trust someone more than you know them. You shouldn't rely on someone emotionally more than you trust them, and physical touch should never exceed the degree to which you are officially committed. 

        With this in mind, the different steps in a relationship take on new importance. Going on dates provides an opportunity to get to know as much as you can about someone without the commitment of a more serious relationship, as per the RAM. Not living together before marriage allows people to develop other, more important aspects of attachment before touch.

        As relationships progress into more serious relationships, especially engagement, these principles remain important. 

  Engagement

        With an official engagement, the commitment level rises, meaning that we should also increase the other pillars of attachment with it. 

        A BIG BIG HUGE CRUCIAL PART of the engagement period that is VITAL to increasing knowledge, trust, and reliance is discussing and establishing boundaries. 

        These important discussions should not wait until after marriage. The period of engagement is a time to create the kind of relationship you want to be in. Among other things, it is important to discuss future goals, expectations, family planning, and communication styles.

        When my husband and I got engaged, we had many such discussions...but not at first. I've always been a pretty private person, but more than that, I struggle initiating potentially uncomfortable conversations. I thought I was doing our relationship a favor by holding off on talking about hard things until after we had locked each other down.

        I found out pretty quick that it was the other way around.

        My then fiance and I got so much closer the more we started discussing our future together. Not just all the happy things either...we talked about past relationships and bad coping mechanisms we were trying to unlearn. We shared our fears and insecurities, and made sure we both understood what kind of behavior we were not okay with. 

        These talks were essential to creating a boundary around us as a couple. It helped us become more united and clarified where the boundaries were for other people as well. 

        One of the boundaries for others that needs to be discussed and agreed upon is relationships with members of the opposite sex. 

        Before we got married, my husband and I agreed that we were not okay with each other texting members of the opposite sex one on one, even if they were coworkers or classmates. For me, I don't feel that it is appropriate for us to have single friends of the opposite sex now that we are married. 

        This may seem extreme, especially in today's climate, but having clear boundaries helps safeguard marriages. Establishing them during the engagement, rather than after marriage, helps couples practice commitment and maintaining appropriate relationships with other people. This will strengthen you as a couple after marriage.

        All in all, making intentional steps in a relationship gives you time to develop healthy attachment and establish clear boundaries. In every stage of a relationship, it can be helpful to:

1. Have conversations about hard, vulnerable stuff.
2. Set boundaries in your relationship.
3. Practice commitment.