Creating a Cornerstone

     If the family unit was a house, the relationship between the mother and father would be the cornerstone. 

    When looking at the subject of family relations, the topic of dating and courting habits doesn't immediately jump out as particularly important. However, if so much in the family is dependent on the strength of the relationship between its two figureheads, the way in which those figureheads meet and develop their connection is pretty darn important! 

    My family relations professor, also a full-time marriage and family therapist, has said that 80% of the time he can accurately predict a couple's inter-relational problems just by hearing how they dated before they got married. 

    The way we date and interact romantically with others plays a huge role in the strength and effectiveness of our future or current marriages. Dating has changed drastically over the last couple years, and the resulting effects on the family are apparent.

COHABITATION

    The first notable change in dating culture is the steady rise in the number of couples who cohabit, or live together prior to marriage. Between 1965 and 1974, only 11% of women in the United States lived with their partner before marriage. Today, that percentage has jumped to nearly 75% of couples in the United States cohabiting. 

    I got married less than two months ago. While preparing for my upcoming wedding, I stumbled across an article on Brides.com entitled, "What Living Together Before Marriage Means for Your Relationship." Among other things, one point made by the article stood out to me:

    "Cohabitation is a great way to test-run a relationship before fully committing to marriage (if that's your end goal). It creates an environment where couples can really get to know each other while learning how they function as a unit that shares both a living space and a life together....This reduces the chances of separation after [marriage]."

    At first glance, the logic seems sound, right? You wouldn't buy a car without driving it around a little to see how it runs, would you? Why would a relationship be any different?

    The answer is pretty simple: people are not cars.

    Studies have shown that couples who cohabit are three times as likely to get divorced after marriage. Only 44% of relationships in which people cohabit before getting married actually end in marriage, even if that was the end goal when that couple moved in together. In addition, substantial evidence shows that "compared to married couples, cohabiting couples argue more, have more trouble resolving conflicts, are more insecure about their partner's feelings, and have more problems related to their future goals" (Theresa DiDonato, PhD, Psychology Today). 

    Why would that be the case?? Shouldn't this test drive help couples stay together longer, and make relationships healthier?

    One big factor is that a cohabiting couple does not share everything in the same way that a married one does. The article from Brides.com said that cohabiting is a way that you can learn to share a life together before making such a big commitment as marriage. 

    But the reality is, you don't share a life together. Most couples who cohabit do not share bank accounts, nor do they have a shared income. They cannot share with each other the same emotional intimacy that comes with a marriage commitment, and without getting married they cannot share future plans and goals. 

    This makes it hard to make the switch to sharing everything once you're married. Cohabiting couples often report having trouble aligning their lives and feeling that their partner values and prioritizes them. This is one reason that cohabiting makes it harder to have a long-lasting marriage.

Dating VS Hanging Out

    Another big change that has swept through the dating world is the idea that "hanging out" is a better way to get to know someone romantically than going on planned dates.

    

    Similar to cohabiting, the hanging out philosophy asserts that it is much safer and healthier to get to know a person without the pressure and stress of dating. Simply spending time around each other, rather than going on planned activities, allows people to relax and be themselves, which is the best way to start a long-term commitment to someone.

    That makes sense. So does communism. On paper.

    In reality, what can you potentially come to understand about a person who is content to just "hang out" with their romantic interests rather than going on planned activities? You learn that they are afraid of commitment (or so it would seem) and unwilling to take initiative. Romance becomes more about "the game" than it does about building a genuine connection.

    A date is an activity that is planned, paid for, and paired. With this in mind, what can you learn from someone who dates rather than hangs out? You have evidence that they are a protector, presider, and provider. You get to see how people are in a variety of situations, including how they handle stress and frustration. 

    Which person sounds like they would be a better long-term partner?

    Showing vulnerability and being self-sufficient enough to handle rejection by actually asking someone out on a date shows not only stability and confidence in yourself, but maturity as well. Being willing to put yourself in a position where you can fail demonstrates a level of self-dependency and maturity that is crucial to maintaining a healthy, committed relationship.