Sharing is Caring

     

   "Marriage is a total commitment and a total sharing of the total person with another person"                                                                                  -- Wayne Mark

    Or, as Calvin Trillin put it: "Marriage is not merely sharing the fettuccini, but sharing the burden of finding the fettucini restaurant in the first place."

    Whether you're a pasta lover, Wayne Mark, Calvin Trillin, or you and I, most of marriage boils down to just one word: sharing. 

    No other situation or circumstance will compel someone to share every mundane aspect of their life with another human in quite the same way as marriage. Here we find two individual people combining two realities into one. One home, one family, one future.

    I'll forever remember something my now husband said to me a little before he proposed. We were talking about school, and my frustrations over not getting a particular scholarship. We jokingly discussed taking out exorbitant student loans, and I teased, "Well, I hope you like rice and beans, because that will be about all your high and mighty graduate self will be able to afford after paying off all your debt."

    He quickly shot back, "Not my debt. Our debt. It's us now."

    Though said as a joke, when I said "I do", I really did promise to no longer see my husband and I as two different units. In order for a marriage to succeed, both spouses must be willing to share themselves completely with the other person, in every conceivable way.

Physically

    First, husband and wife share themselves physically with each other with a depth of connection that does not exist in any other relationship. I grew up in a very religious community, and I found that sex was a very taboo topic for some of my peers and religious leaders. However, healthy and positive sexuality is a HUGE HUGE HUGE component of a healthy marriage. 

    

    Men and women are beautifully different in our physical and emotional responses to sexual arousal. Generally speaking, men have an easier time becoming aroused and experiencing orgasm than women do. Women tend to prioritize physical intimacy that brings closeness, comfort, safety, and connection, and need to feel those things in order to be able to fully engage sexually. We also tend to struggle more with focusing on the moment and staying mentally present during intimacy. 

    Understanding these differences can really make a big difference in maintaining "oneness" in a marriage. For example, a woman may feel frustrated at her husband's apparent "obsession" with sex, misinterpreting his naturally higher sex drive as extreme. A husband might feel that his wife doesn't love him if she doesn't appear to enjoy physical intimacy as much as him, reading her need for foreplay as a lack of attraction. 

    These differences, though they can lead to misunderstanding, create a wonderful opportunity to practice selfless sharing. When couples share their thoughts, concerns, preferences, and attitudes towards sexual intimacy with their spouses, both people are brought closer together. It allows for both husband and wife to express their needs and work together to find a solution that benefits them both. 

    

    In addition to sharing emotionally, positive sexuality is fostered when both partners seek selflessness. The attribute of selflessness may seem strange to use in a dialogue about sex, but being selfless when it comes to sexual intimacy is key to a healthy sexual relationship. 

    

    Selflessness means that a spouse that is more hesitant to be intimate tries a little harder to initiate. Vise versa, it also means the spouse with the higher sex drive is patient and respectful of the other person's slower pace. It means that you never force, guilt, coerce, or manipulate your spouse into doing something they are not comfortable with. For many women, being selfless may mean you put extra effort into remaining present during intimacy, rather than letting your mind wander to your check-list of to-dos. Being selfless is loving your spouse and prioritizing unity and connection over achieving a "firework" climax.

    If marriage is to be a complete and total sharing of oneself, as Wayne Mark says, that sharing must translate to the physical side of our marriage. Being sexually intimate with your spouse is the closest you both can come to literally being one. Using sex as a way to control, manipulate, or hurt your spouse is a complete betrayal of that oneness, and should not be acceptable to either party. 

Emotionally

    Until being married, I never realized how much it matters to share everything you have together, including your thoughts and feelings! I way underestimated the wedge that hiding hurt feelings or even just everyday concerns can drive between a husband and wife. I have found that it is always so much better to be honest and share my true feelings rather than pulling the classic "I'm fine" and stewing about it for the next few hours. 

    

    In marriage, we are seeking to become completely united with our spouses. If this is to be accomplished, we must be willing to let our partner in on our every secret, insecurity, and flaw. Marriage is not a place where it will work to dab some concealer on our emotional bruises and insist we were never hurt. 

    True emotional intimacy is messy, hard, painful, and oh so beautiful. It means telling your spouse when you don't agree with them, and being okay when they don't agree with you. 

    It also means that there are clear boundaries around your relationship. Not consistently sharing frustrations and concerns with your marriage and/or spouse with anyone other than your spouse may sound a bit extreme, but the second you allow another person into your marriage circle you create a chink in your marital armor.

    

    This is especially true in regards to anyone that threatens fidelity. Emotional infidelity can come in the form of looking towards someone else to fill an unmet need that only a spouse should fill, and it often doesn't happen all at once. For example, sharing your frustrations and concerns with a coworker may not be considered infidelity, but consistent opening up can establish a deep emotional connection that blurs the line between right and wrong. It is much safer to decide now that intimate emotional connections will stay within the boundaries of your marriage. 

Everything else

    Everything else. What a cop-out heading, right? It's true though! Marriage is a promise to share your whole life with another person. Everything. Always.

    Finances? Shared. No secret expenditures or spending habits. In order to maintain complete unity in a marriage, all financial decisions should be made together, and both spouses should be aware and approve of where their money is going. 

    Decisions such as where to live, where to attend grad school, when to have kids, and how to raise those kids must be made together. One person cannot be burdened with all the decision making, nor should one spouse overrule the opinion of the other. 

    Time is another thing that has to be completely shared. This doesn't mean you have to spend all your time together! It means that your spouse and family should always be your top priority. Your spouse is aware of what you spend your time doing, and you both spend your time working towards a shared goal. 

    I've only been married for two months. Not even. I'm not an expert on all the nuances and complications marriage presents, but I do know that God has commanded husbands and wives to "be one". I want to share every part of myself with my husband (and only my husband) because I know and love him very much. The more we seek to be one in every aspect of our relationship, the stronger our marriages will be. 

    In a world that's becoming increasingly corrosive of marriage, that's certainly something I'm willing to work for.