Secrets for Speaking Very Much Good with Others

     

    This handsome guy is my dog Pippin. 

He's eight years old and he's an absolute ditz. Though super sweet, his hyperactive golden retriever personality made him an especially inattentive and rambunctious puppy. I am convinced that anyone who says they love puppies instead mean they love the idea of puppies, because those suckers are hard to live with!

    I'm sure everyone who raises a dog has their own method of staying sane, but the way we got through the puppy years, full of peed on carpets, chewed up shoes, and mid-night yapping, was subtle mockery. There was something oddly comforting about looking into his smiling face, covered in food stolen off the table, and lovingly saying, "You look so dumb right now, and no one's gonna respect you with that dopey grin on your face."  

    We quickly found that you can say anything you want to a dog and as long as you say it in a happy, loving tone, they'll give you a beaming smile and a wagging tail.

    Funnily enough, people are a lot the same way, in the sense that our communication involves so much more than just words. In fact, it's estimated that communication is only 14% words, with tone contributing to 35%, and non-verbal body ques making up the other 51% of the messages we convey.

      Especially if you've ever been the butt of a sarcastic joke or comment, you know that communicating and interpreting communication often isn't so straightforward. There's a lot to decode, and so much can get lost in translation. 

    Fortunately, some really smart people have done the thinking for us and put together a list of "secrets" we can use to improve our communication with everyone, but especially those people we care most about.

David Burns' 5 Secrets of Effective Communication

Disarming Technique

    The first secret that psychiatrist David Burns outlines is called the "Disarming Technique". This involves finding and stating the "kernel of truth" in what another person says to you. This is especially helpful in conflict situations, or any circumstance in which one person is emotionally charged.

    For example, let's say that Jill has asked her husband Joe repeatedly to not leave his clothes on the floor, only to come home and find shirts and pants littering the carpet once again. Upset after a long day at work, she angrily approaches him, saying that he never listens when she asks him for help, and that he must not care about her very much. 

    Joe has two options. 

    The first is to get defensive, responding to her verbal arrows with his own proverbial shield. This is the most natural response, but ultimately it will prompt Jill to respond with more arrows, and no ground will be gained for either of them.

    The second is to "disarm" Jill by acknowledging any truths in her accusations and accepting responsibility for them. He might say, "You're right, I haven't been very good at picking up my clothes since we talked about it. I'm sorry for not being very quick to change that bad habit." 

    Doing this immediately deescalates the situation and allows for less emotionally charged discussion.

Empathy

    The second secret is to express empathy. Expressing empathy is not surface level sympathy. It is acknowledging and validating someone's valid feelings. There are two kinds of empathy: thought empathy and emotion empathy. 

    Thought empathy is when you repeat back what they told you to (ie. "I can see that it seems like I am ignoring you and your wishes when I leave clothes on the floor"). We can demonstrate emotional empathy by acknowledging the other person's feelings, and accepting how we might have contributed to those feelings. 

    In our example, Joe could say something like this:

    "That's gotta be so frustrating for you to come home from work and see that our room is a mess. I'm so sorry that I contributed to that, and I'm especially sorry I did something to make you feel like I don't care about you."

    Joe can acknowledge and apologize for the feelings he genuinely contributed to, without taking responsibility for all of what she feels. 

    One quick reminder: empathy is sincere. I think we've all experienced a sarcastic, "I'm sorry you feel that way" from someone when trying to express our emotions, and it doesn't help anything.

Inquiry

    This next step is pretty self explanatory, but after expressing empathy it's important to make sure that you understand what their frustration is correctly. We can do this by asking, "Am I understanding that correctly?" Even though this may sound arbitrary, it helps to make sure you are acknowledging the right feelings and resolving the actual issue.

"I feel" statement

    When discussing an issue with someone, it's important that you also express your own thoughts and needs. Otherwise you're creating a bad cycle of one-sided resolution. 

    The best way to do this is with an "I feel" statement. This eliminates the risk that the other person will misinterpret what you say, and it's pretty hard to negate what you say when you speak directly about what you're feeling. This is the time to be assertive, but kind. 

    Joe could say, after checking to make sure he's understanding the situation correctly, something like: "I know it's super frustrating for you. I feel kinda hurt when you yell at me for messing up, though. I'm trying to break the habit, but it might take a little bit. I'll do my best, but I'll need your patience too."

Stroking

    This is a weird title, and it involves something you may not have thought to do at the end of a discussion or argument. Stroking means that you authentically express your appreciation and admiration for the other person. This is especially important in a marriage or friendship, as it keeps both of you on the "same side". 

    This final step involves conveying respect clearly.

    There's a lot Joe can appreciate about Jill. She's frustrated because she wants to keep the house clean, and their clothes nice. She works during the day to help support her family. All these and more are things Joe can and should tell her as part of their discussion.

    Joe: "I just really appreciate how hard you work everyday, not just at your job but here at home. You do so much for me and our family, and I just really admire your love for our kids. I'll try harder to support you here at home."

Conclusion:

    Over the past week since I've learned this, I have been trying to change the way I communicate with my spouse and others. I've tried to be aware of how I might be influencing other people, and more intentional in my efforts to deescalate conflict. I've seen so much good come out of trying to understand people rather than fighting back, and I know that focusing on the way we communicate with those in our circles will only make them stronger.